Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Timetravelling has been something I’ve always been interested in. Ever since I stepped into the world of H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine” at a very young age, I was determined I’d be the first person to travel through time.

To just step into a structure and end up coming stepping out of it yesterday. It’d be a very strange experience as then I’d have to hide for a day until my past self did the exact same thing. Or maybe I could give myself the winning lottery numbers, become a millionaire.

But then you get that whole paradox business, if I travel back in time and give myself the winning lottery numbers then I’d be a millionaire, I then never go into the past to give myself the winning lottery numbers which means I would not get the winning lottery numbers and I don’t become a millionaire… So… I’m the same person I am now?

It’s all very strange but it was something I wanted to explore. I told my friends about my hopes to travel through time, they all said I was stupid and will die alone. I do love my friends.

I decided I would attempt to create my very own time machine; all I needed was a seat because travelling through time was very tiring business. You don’t want to be standing for hundreds of years. I would need to put that seat in a box, so I decided to use a portable toilet as that already has a seat installed! Hey, it worked for Day of the Tentacle.

A lever to help guide me through time with a built-in time counter and DVD Player in case I get bored, a few flashing lights because all time machines have flashing lights and a window so I can see what’s going on outside.

This was going to be the greatest invention of all time! I told my friends what I had spent my life savings on, they laughed at me and said I was an idiot definitely going to die alone. Always so supportive.

I worked day and night for at least… two days building this thing, I hooked everything up to a couple of old car batteries I found in the junk yard, I think they belonged to a couple of Ford Sierra’s so you know they’re reliable. By the time those two days were over everything was built, everything was ready.

I invited my skeptical friends over and told them that I would be taking my maiden voyage of the time machine and to prove that it works I would disappear from their very eyes and turn up one hour into the future. Surprisingly they all said I was a retard and would die alone, I laughed in their faces! I stepped into my new time machine, flicked a couple of switches I glued to the batteries. They seemed to work fine, I then pulled the lever and the lights started flashing. Some whirring noises were heard and I opened the door and was blown back inside my time machine as a bomb went off right in front of me!

I collected my thoughts and opened the door again, a German bomber flying overhead! I checked the time counter and I was in 1940!? The damn thing worked! I was the first person ever to travel through time and space! Before I could be destroyed by another falling bomb, I dived back into the portable toilet and pulled the lever again and stopped it at the end of 2011 where I had come from.

My friends were in awe, they applauded me and rushed inside the portable toilet, all 6 of them, they forced me out while yelling that they wanted a turn. I begged them to come out but it was too late, they pulled the lever and they disappeared before my eyes.

They were gone.

For years afterwards I tried to pick up women by telling them I was the first person to travel through time but that just ended up getting me thrown out of pubs. No one believed me, but really, who would?

Eventually I stopped talking about it, I met a woman, we got married. Never did have children though.

54 years had gone by since the moment my friends hijacked my time machine. Until one day on that 54th year my wife stepped outside to buy a newspaper, the time machine appeared in mid-air above her. It crashed to the ground crushing her and killing everyone inside.

It was at that moment when I realised my friends were right after all, I was going to die alone!

It seems time travel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.